Hopeless Despair
by Tiannstnocfm
Summary: When Elladan’s life is taken, Elrohir is left lost, broken, and alone. When he tries the extreme to bring his twin back, will Legolas be able to stop him from giving up everything?
1. Anguish

**_Hopeless Despair _by Shadowfaxgal**

Major angst, character torture, and death. There are some gruesome descriptions and graphic details, so be warned...

This is A/U, and magic plays a big part of this story. I am not an expert on sorcery in Middle Earth, so please just bear with me and pretend...

Encouragement and constructive criticism is strongly encouraged, but please don't flame. If you don't like it, give a valid reason why. If you don't like angst, just don't read it. Thanks. All reviews will be responded to.

And...THIS IS NOT SLASH! When two people talk about love, especially brothers, it's _not _slash! It's simply called brotherly love!

Thank you, Freddy'sGirl01, for encouraging me to write this. I was at her house on the computer and she suggested that I write a character death story. Well, that's not exactly what this is, but I wouldn't have written it without her idea.

Also, the mandatory disclaimer: I own nothing in this story but the plot.

_The twins and Legolas are fairly young elves, about the equivalent of fourteen years old if they were human. Legolas is portrayed as the twins' best friend who is staying at Imladris for a while. Soon, he will be escorted home, but then the unthinkable happens..._

_(The poem is written by me, please don't steal it)_

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**_Chapter 1: _Anguish**

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We have always been best friends

Two parts of a whole

But once in a great while

The sameness took its toll

I'd want to be one person

Not just one of two

I did not want to be a twin

I'd want to get away from you

Well, now my wish is granted

As I sit here and endlessly cry

I am lonely and I am broken...

And I just want to die

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Elladan blinked blearily as he sat up, looking outside his window. It was still dark and the moon was high, indicating that it was not far past midnight. So why was he awake?_

_Standing up and stretching, he began to walk to the door to see if something was wrong in the house. Perhaps a sound had awoken him?_

_Suddenly, he heard a creaking noise of footsteps on the hard wood floor behind him. The older twin turned around abruptly._

_In front of him stood a shadowy form, a long blade in its hand._

_He heard a malicious laugh, and then felt a pain through his body like he never had before. Looking down in horror, he saw the sword protruding from his chest, and felt it sticking out from his back. He cried out in pain, shutting his eyes tightly, struggling to breathe as his hands groped weakly at the knife, covered with swiftly spurting blood._

_The dark hooded figure smiled proudly and gave its hand a jerk to the left, twisting the blade. The sound of muscle and flesh tearing and of bones cracking was heard._

_Elladan gasped in agony as his eyes rolled back and he crumpled to the floor lifelessly, blood pooling underneath his body. _

_The being chuckled softly as it pulled its blade out of the young, dying elf. It watched happily as the crimson stained the floor, pouring out of the hole straight through the Firstborn. It waited for a moment, watching its victim's breath slow and stop. Then it slipped back into the shadows._

* * *

I sit up in bed with a strangled gasp, clutching my chest. Valar, it hurts! Icy cold washes over me and I shiver.

_Elladan? _I think softly to myself. 

Nothing...

Our link is gone.

Frantically, I leap out of bed and race out of my room, almost running into Legolas.

"'Ro?" the prince asks, his eyes wide with panic. "I heard a scream..."

I say nothing and shove past him, opening the door next to mine.

"Elladan?" I whisper, my voice frightened and small.

_No!_

_ELLADAN!_

I drop to my knees and gently turn over the limp body of my beloved brother.

His torso is covered in crimson both front and back, eyes tightly closed and skin deathly pale. There is no elven glow.

"'Dan?" I whimper in disbelief, pulling him into my arms. Tears begin running down my face. "'Dan..."

Legolas kneels beside me and quickly slides his fingers onto Elladan's neck.

After a few moments, he looks at me. His eyes are full of tears and his face disbelieving.

_Oh, Valar, no!_

"'Ro..." he whisperers...

"He's dead."

_

* * *

_

_(Two weeks later...)_

I'll never forget those words. They haunt me everywhere I go. I will never escape them. I will never escape the truth.

What do you do when your life no longer matters?

What do you do when the person you care about most in the world leaves you?

What do you do when you feel as though you could have prevented your best friend's death...your brother's death...your twin's death?

The death of your other half.

There's no color in the world. Nothing at all.

Everything's gone. The trees have no voice, the sound of a bird is no more soothing than thunder.

You trip and fall, and a rock gouges deep into your leg. You watch the rivulets of blood roll down, you can see protruding bone. But there's no pain. No feeling whatsoever. You ignore it. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

My mind screams inside this empty shell. Can you hear it?

No.

No one can. No one could possibly understand.

Can you hear me scream? Can you hear my soul crying?

I hear a knock on the door. My heart, my whole being aches for it to be you.

But it's not.

Where are you, brother? I feel cold, so cold.

I run as hard as I can but I hear no pounding heartbeat.

I absently push my finger into the point of my dagger to see if I can feel, but I can't.

I feel nothing.

Except emptiness. Loneliness.

It feels like there's something missing in my heart. Where did it go? Where did you go?

Nothing matters. I could die now and wouldn't care.

Would I be with you if I died? Would I see you if I killed myself?

But I'm already dead.

I always knew that we had a deep connection, but never realized what would happen if you left me. I never thought you would. You promised me that you wouldn't.

Grief overwhelms me.

One minute there's nothing, I stand stoic and still, and the next, sobs rack my body. Tears sap me dry.

I'm all alone...

I think.

But there's something there still. Just a little spark. The only thing that's keeping me from lying down and dying.

I can still feel you...

Somewhere.

Not like I could before, though. Valar, though it frightens me, it feels like you aren't even alive. But our link wouldn't survive death...

Would it?

Are you still somewhere? Not dead, but not alive. Is there any way I can find you?

I swear, Elladan, that wherever you are...

I will find you.

_

* * *

_

_TBC_


	2. Broken

_This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful pet rat, Kari. I know many of you may not like rodents, but she meant a lot to me._

_You reviewers, thank you so much! You all are so great! Please keep telling me what you think and if it should be continued._

_**Lord Elrond of Hogwarts**- Nope, it's not a joke. He's dead. For now. But maybe something might happen that no one will expect...? Just keep reading to find out! I'm glad you liked reading it, here's the next chapter! It's been fun IMing you lately! I made you cry? Well, this chapter is even more angsty, I wonder what your reaction to it will be..._

_**A lurker**- Hehehe, the plot bunnies are coming more frequently for this story than Sacrificed Hope, but I will do my best to keep updating regularly with both. Yep, blood 'n' guts is fun, LOL. I hope you like this chapter too, I'd love to hear what you think of it. And please keep that knife away, LOL..._

_**Joslin**- Thanks for the review! Aw, I'm sorry I almost made you cry. I hope you like this chapter too! I will definitely continue this story! Thanks again!_

_**Melcrazybabe**- Here's more for you! Heartbreaking? That's what I hoped it would be! I hope you also like this chapter, thanks so much for reviewing!_

_**Nimeme**- Yep, twin angst is the best! So fun to read and write! Here's the next chapter, hope it was soon enough for you. Thanks for reviewing!_

_**Xylem-** I made you cry during PotC? Wow! But at least then I know that my story's angsty enough, huh? The best author for tragedy? _blushblush_ Thanks so much! Thank you for reviewing and the flattering compliments!_

_**Lady Nierwen- **Hello, mellon nin! I'm so glad you like my new story! I thought that it would be more poignant from Elrohir's POV, but it can be hard to do. I'm happy that you appreciate it in first person. And yep, I'm trying to portray how horrible, confused, scared, and sad Elrohir feels, including self-inflicted pain. Thanks so much for the review, is this soon enough for you?_

_**Hp-Azn**- Just keep reading to find out! Sorry, but I can't spoil the ending! And the next chapter of Sacrificed Hope should be up in a week or so, sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for reviewing!_

_**Haldir's Heart and Soul- **First of all, please remember that this is A/U. I will do my best to make it believable, though. This has quite a complex plot so you will probably have many questions. Imladris is a safe haven, true, so it would be hard for anyone to enter without permission. You will find out how that happened later. You're a twin? That's awesome, but um, were you just telling me that as a little info about yourself or are you offended that I'm hurting a twin so badly? Sorry, but that's what angst stories are all about. Just keep reading to answer all your questions. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you keep reading._

_**Crazy-Haldir-Fancier**- Thank so much! I'm so glad you enjoy it! I hope this was soon enough for you! Thanks again!_

_**Elvingirl3737**- I hope this wasn't too late for you! Thanks so much for reviewing, I'm so happy you like it! You'll find out who did the horrible deed in later chapters. I hope you like this chapter also and hope to hear more from you!_

_**Warrior Elf**- Oh yeah, the insurance. Sorry, I forgot. Hehehe. I see you were a 'little' upset with what I did. You probably won't like this chapter either, LOL. But please please please don't kill me yet! Just keep reading and thank you so much for reviewing!_

_**Freddy'sGirl01**- That's sarcasm, right? Oh well, I'm glad you like it and thanks again for the idea. Hope you had fun on your vacation, mellon nin! Thanks for reviewing!_

_**Legolas-Aragorn-R-Hot**- Thanks so much, mellon nin! I'm glad you enjoy it! Hope you like this chapter too! LYLAS!_

_**Beling**- Thank you soooo much for the great review! I'm so glad you like the tree line, I'm happy I put it in there. There won't be any Elrond POV in this chapter but there will in the next as well as where the feeling the Elladan isn't totally gone is coming from, and you will find out who the murderer is in a few chapters. So all your questions will be answered eventually! I hope you like this chapter! Thanks again for reviewing!_

_  
(The poem is once again by me, don't use it please.)_

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**_Chapter 2: _Broken**

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You are my heart, my life, my other half

Without you, I am incomplete and alone

I have never in my life felt so lost

This is a pain that I've never known

I need you back, my brother

I just can't get away

From the heartache that's overwhelming me

It's killing me everyday

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's raining.

The water rolls down my pale skin and soaks my clothes. I've been wearing them for the past two weeks. Just a loose white overshirt and tan trousers. They are covered in blood.

My brother's blood.

I held him that night, hugging him tightly and weeping. My parents were soon in the room and Glorfindel had to keep back the many Imladris elves who wanted to know what was happening. Ada tried to pull Elladan away from me, but I wouldn't let go. I remember loud, heart-wrenching screams.

My screams.

They had to pry my arms off of my twin. I refused to let go. I refused to accept that my brother was dead.

My best friend forever. The only one who I could tell anything to. The only one I would tell all my secrets to.

I would do everything and anything with him. Any prank or dangerous stunt. I didn't care, as long as I was with him.

No one could possibly understand.

No one could ever know what it feels like.

I could laugh and talk with him forever.

But now I feel empty and lost.

I am nothing but broken and miserable.

I sit against a tree trunk in the forest. It has been cut down recently, probably by some horrible traveling human. It's dead.

Like me.

My heart keeps beating, but other than that, I am not alive.

From the pouring rain, a puddle has formed on the forest ground. I stare into it.

I see a pale, thin face with sunken in, miserable eyes. The grey orbs shine with welled up tears.

It happens again, I can't control it. A lump forms in my throat and I swallow thickly, but it doesn't go away. I bow my head and sob in pain and loneliness.

I miss everything about him. His laugh, his humor, his attempts at looking serious during a lecture while a smile tugs at his lips.

When we were elflings, we both used to be afraid of storms. But he'd pretend not to be, just so that I'd feel safe. He'd hug me gently and whisper softly in my ear, and I'd fall asleep against him.

I continue weeping and wrap my arms around myself, my body trembling.

_Why? _My mind wails. _Why did he have to leave?!_

I hate him for leaving me.

I don't really hate him, I love him...but right now I hate the world.

I hate everyone in Imladris who tries to comfort me, I hate the border patrol for somehow letting the murderer in, I hate Legolas and how he tries to talk to me and make me feel better, I hate my parents for not leaving me alone.

But most of all, I hate whoever did this. I hate the murderer who took my twin from me.

I don't know who it is, or why he did what he did. But I hate him with all my heart.

Damn him! I want to strangle him. I want to torture him for eternity. I want him to pay. Valar, I want him to pay.

Almost all of the Imladris soldiers have left to search for the killer. It's a wonder that they haven't found him yet, elves are ingenious trackers. The whole thing itself seems impossible. How someone got into the House of Elrond unnoticed, how they left without a trace...

But no matter how unbelievable it seems, it still happened. And no one can change it.

Elladan is dead.

They had a funeral. I heard it was beautiful, with flowers and a carved stone monument. Everyone was dressed in black, sobbing and weeping.

But I wasn't there.

How do you watch the person that means the most to you being lowered into the ground?

I can't.

I ran.

That night, after they took him from my arms, I ran. I was so confused and scared, everything was one horrible blur.

Barefooted, sticks and stones dug into my skin, but I ignored it. I fell in weakness and despair. My knee crashed into a sharp rock and gushed blood. I haven't wrapped it yet, I probably never will. I just limp along through this worthless life.

I haven't eaten or slept in two weeks. By all rights, I should be dead.

So why aren't I?

I wish I was.

I want to die.

Everyone knows that I am lost in sorrow. Immediately after I fled, Legolas came looking for me. He tried to tell me that he knew what I was going through. He said that Elladan was his best friend too. He said that he knew what pain and grief was from losing his mother.

He doesn't know anything.

He couldn't possibly have the slightest clue of what is happening to me.

I refuse to speak with him, or anyone.

But I cannot leave here. I have certainly tried to. Ada has ordered the border patrol to make sure that I don't leave Imladris. And they are doing a bloody good job of it.

So if they're so attentive and skilled, how did a murder get into my brother's room?

It's not an elf from here, because everyone is accounted for. And it wasn't a trusted foreign elf because that night, no one was reported entering the area.

No one.

It doesn't make any sense.

Ada and Naneth have also come looking for me. They have tried talking to me, trying to bring me back home. They have tried to give me food and blankets, but I won't let them near me.

I can see their pain. I can see the suffering in their eyes as they lose their remaining child, second born of their two beloved twin sons.

They loved us, I know. They were going to have another child eventually, another beautiful elfling for them to love and another sibling for us. A daughter seemed like a great addition to the family.

But that dream is now lost.

I will not go home, no matter how much pain it causes them. I know that they might also sink into despair if I abandon them...

But I don't care.

I don't care about anything anymore.

Every night, quite late, around midnight, I quietly walk back to the house.

Just for a while, I stare in through the windows. I look at the places my brother and I used to play. I hear my parents crying.

And I take a knife back to the forest with me.

No one can force me back home, they know that it would just worsen my condition. So they leave me be.

And as I sit against this tree stump, I finger one of the small elven daggers in my hand.

Like I have every other night, I roll up my sleeve. I rest the edge of the blade against my arm and slowly push it deeper, until the skin breaks and blood trickles out. Pulling the knife back, I can clearly see a deep three-inch long cut, crimson covering the limb. I repeat it again, diagonally over the first gash, leaving a bloody X. Sighing softly, I watch the scarlet flow for a while. It doesn't hurt, but leaves me with a feeling of momentary release.

But within minutes, the feeling is gone. I am left once again with the hollow loneliness.

So I repeat it again and again and again.

My arms are covered in blood and lacerations. Slits and gashes mar the skin.

But I don't feel any better.

I never do.

I stand up and let the knife fall to the ground.

My mind is reeling, I barely know what I'm doing anymore.

Maybe I need to do something more drastic. Maybe more physical pain will drown out the heartache.

I scream in anguish and slam my fist into a tree. There's a sickening crunch as my fingers break, but I don't even flinch. Just like with my knee and as I cut myself, I watch as the blood pours freely with a sort of odd fascination. My hand trembles as I pull it back.

Why doesn't it hurt? I feel so numb.

The pain in me, the _real _pain, is not physical.

Grief.

Loneliness.

I'm all alone.

I had never really been alone before. I never really knew what it felt like.

I want it to end.

I can't keep going.

Slowly, I limp for the House of Elrond.

* * *

I have tracked blood into the house, someone will probably soon realize that I'm here. I'm in the main healing room, in front of the cupboard where Ada keeps his herbs and potions.

My brother and I were taught a lot in the lore of elven healing. I remember a certain pain-relieving plant that you had to be very careful how much you administered. A little too much could make an elf comatose, and more than half the jar would kill one, stopping a heart almost instantly.

My hands tremble violently as I lift the jar of herbs off the shelf, blood from my broken fingers making the glass slippery. Almost dropping it several times, I manage to unscrew the lid. I set it on the table silently and shakily take out a fist full of leaves with my left hand.

This is it. I can end it all here. Now. I can be forever rid of the pain. I can be with Elladan again.

Taking a deep breath, I take a single leaf and chew it slowly, my mouth filled with a stinging feeling. But once I swallow it, a warm, painless feeling fills me.

I take more.

But as I eat them, my mind drifts...

What about the feelings I had earlier? What about that deep down sense that's telling me that he's not really gone?

It's lying, I know it is. It has to be. I saw him dead with my own eyes. All of Imladris watched the burial.

He is dead.

Gone.

The hesitance in my heart is only denial. False hope.

I swallow down more. I can feel my heart beating frantically.

But what if it's something more?

All reason in my mind screams that it's not possible... But what if it is? If there actually is a chance to bring him back, I have to do it. I will do anything.

Anything.

But where do I start? It's a feeling, that's all. Nothing to follow, no clues or ideas of where to go.

It's an impossible hope.

I've used half the jar now, my breaths are coming slower. My lungs feel tight.

"'Dan," a soft sob escapes my lips. "Where are you?" The tears come again.

_I'm here, brother._

My body freezes and the jar drops from listless fingers, shattering loudly on the ground.

_'Ro, I'm still here..._

Hallucinations. That's all this is. I'm losing my mind.

_Elrohir, please listen to me. Brother?_

This is not a hallucination. This is real.

_Don't do this, 'Ro!_

My body shivers involuntarily and my thoughts dim. Everything slips away.

I try to cling to awareness, to the words in my head. The voice that I have longed to hear.

Oh no, what have I done?

Finally, finally I've found him. Finally our link has made contact. I can find him now. I can bring him back.

But it's too late.

I hear footsteps racing down the hallway. They must have head the jar break.

I can't breathe. Everything dims.

My heartbeat echoes loudly in my head. Straining, pumping.

Slowing.

I slam into the floor lifelessly and know no more.

* * *

_**TBC**! Peace!_


End file.
